Another sleepless night

It's another sleepless night for me here in Charleston. For whatever reason, I haven't been sleeping at night. I think maybe it's because I have some weird sort of anxiety that makes me nervous to go to bed - I'm sure all my psychology friends will have something to say about that....Usually around this time, I would be passed out asleep, but lately, I just find my mind wandering about all sorts of things...see if you can keep up....

My sister is getting married in a week - I'm so excited for her! - but also relieved that the last Herrin wedding will be over (at least of the sisters). I find myself excited and nervous at the same time about weddings. I want it to be amazing for her, but it also makes me nostalgic for my own wedding, and I think about all the cute fun things I would do if I were getting married again. Not that I want to marry again or anything like that, but just the general idea of having a wedding is kind of fun - all the planning to have that really awesome fun day that's all about you!  plus the cake...don't forget the cake....June is going to be a packed month full of weddings. A week after Rachel gets married, my cousin is getting married, and then two weeks later, a friend from college is getting married. I thought I was passed all the wedding seasons, but this year seems to be full of them. I have 2 other friends that are getting married in the next year too. Makes me feel young again, to be back in wedding season since the rest of my friends are all having babies.

Am I a bad person if I don't know if I want to have kids? I feel like I'm at the point in my life where I should make this decision, but I just can't seem to decide one way or the other. Buddy and I have been talking a lot about adopting....but then there are all the hoops you have to jump through and all the questions of how old of a child, how many, do you want to foster first, etc? I mean, we all know how fostering works for us...we fostered a kitten two years ago (adopted her), then we fostered 2 kittens last year (kept them too). We are foster failures, so I can only imagine how much harder it would be to be a foster family for actual human children....which is probably why I can't figure out what I really want. I'm so scared it's going to change everything, and that I won't be happy......but then I feel completely selfish and like a failure. I am finally at the point in my life where I like who I am and my relationship and friendships and work, and I'm terrified of upsetting that balance with the unknown.